Wishing for a return of the jiggleFree Access


Every month has its own special qualities. For May, it is spring beauty. The lawns are green, crops are sprouting, trees and flowers are blooming and birds are sweetly singing.

With all this beauty surrounding me, the unbeautiful things stick out like a sore thumb. I should not say unbeautiful, as even the unbeautiful have beauty. Everything is beautiful in its own way. Or so Ray Stevens sang.

For me, my unbeautifulness sticks out not as a sore thumb, but like a sore nose. Except, my nose is no longer sore. And it really is not too ugly. My nose has healed better than expected, but worse than I wanted.

The Grand Nasal Canyon and the Snozzle Open Pit Mine are almost all filled in. That is thanks to several doses of low-level laser, Vaseline and vitamin E oil. And my body’s skin-producing factory.

I had thought I would end up with a very wide, ragged scar, but most of it actually looks like skin, or at least thick skin. Which is OK; politicians need a thick skin! So that is a plus.

There still will be a scar. It will match all the other scars that have disfigured my body over the years. After years of doing a lot of figuring during my math classes, it is kind of nice doing some disfiguring for a change.

It is like I am turning into a big eraser. One of those big pink ones we had to have to be cool in school. I did not have one, so I was not cool. One of the many reasons why I was not.

Those big pink erasers worked great. Not that I ever made any mistakes that needed erasing. But if I did accidentally make a mistake in my mathematical figuring, those erasers worked much better for disfiguring than the little nub of an eraser I had at the end of my pencil.

As a retired teacher of the subject, I know math is all about problems. And, as you solve one problem, another one looms on the horizon. Especially when doing an assignment.

That is what happened with my problematic nose. As my nose became less of a problem, my belly became more of one. I really do not know if I should solve the belly problem. Who knows which body part will become the next problem?

The problem with my belly has to do with the skin supply chain. The skin-producing factory I had bought back in 1959 is not adequate to be able to produce enough skin for two projects at the same time.

Looking back, I should have spent a few more bucks to buy the Skin 104 model instead of the smaller Skin 52 model. But I did not, so now I have to pay for it, not in cash but in bellyache.

You see, all of my produced skin was transported to my nose and there was not any left over for my belly’s expansion project. My expandable midriff is not my fault; it is heredity.

Not from my dad. Dad was a thin 127 pounds most of his life. He was thin. Dad was lucky he did not work for the railroad; he might have been mistaken for a rail.

On Mom’s side, she had a couple of brothers who could be mistaken for belly dancers. Just walking made their bellies dance a little jig. Well, jiggle. That belly would sway back and forth like a world-class two-stepper. Which happens to be my favorite dance.

Mine used to do the jig, but now, from a lack of new extra skin, my belly skin is stretched so tight everything is held in place and there is no jiggle. No more belly dancing for me.

I miss that jiggle. It was the only thing I had going for me — going from left to right and up and down, that is. But I can live with that even if a jiggle a day keeps everyone away.

However, I am starting to struggle with aichmophobia — a fear of sharp objects. Just a pin prick to my belly would send me flying around like a deflating balloon. Who knows which county I would end up in?

It will be fun to see where this year’s Jackson County Central graduates will end up. They are only three weeks and a day away from graduation day. The last day of classes for all JCC students is May 30.

This afternoon (Thursday), at 1:30 p.m. at the JCC High School auditorium, is the Pleasantview spring program. Also, this afternoon, the JCC Middle School baseball team is playing Worthington at the Worthington Middle School.

Tuesday will be a busy sports day as the baseball team will host Worthington while the softball team and golf team will play in Worthington. The track team will be at a multi-school meet in New Ulm.

And now, as I have some belly skin to manufacture so I get that jiggle back in my step, I close for this week. Until next week, wiggle your way onto the bleachers and cheer until you jiggle as you watch our athletes. Go, Huskies!

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